Grit In The Gap

Yes, that is a clear, blue sky. No, I did not go to school today. Yes, I got out of a Guided Reading training early. Yes, my IEP was cancelled. Yes, I am reading and drinking outside.

Can I just say

how happymaking it is to work out before school and still have time to get coffee and sit outside, listening to the foghorns? And did I mention that I can see the Golden Gate Bridge when I walk out of my school? And that I walked to the beach yesterday?

• One blow-out, Ms. Basye-is-a-shit-head temper tantrum BUT all contained in the “Cool-Down Corner” a.k.a. the appropriate place in the classroom
• Two kids suspended for fighting at lunch BUT the exact two that I need time away from while I get the others on board
• All plans for the week scrapped BUT I have enough of an idea of what I’m dealing with and enough data to go from more strongly from here. I’m actually glad I didn’t spend so much time planning every detail (because I didn’t have it), because it would have been wasted.
• Extremely exhausted BUT I have worked out two mornings in a row.

Life is good.

It’s been a heavy week back at my school. Not chaotic—or, in addition to the chaos—just heavy, with death and danger and close calls. I don’t mean to be morbid, but the kinds of things that happened are the kinds of things that happen to our kids regularly, and it’s only because it has all happened to leak directly into the school that I am forced to remember how quickly it could all end, with any particular individual—and how quickly it is ending with all of them.

I’ve finally figured out my reluctance in finding the positive in my job. Have you noticed there have been no Thankful Thursdays or Fun Fridays? I’ve been thankful for nothing and nothing has been fun but Friday after school, and that is, not surprisingly, all due to what I’ve been looking at.

I am beginning the grieving process, looking at what could have been. I realize that I am struggling, first, with the death of my hand in my kids’ education. I won’t be in charge of their math and reading and behavior anymore, and while it is relieving sometimes, it is mostly hard, for some reason. Probably because I don’t feel “finished” with them. Kimberly is lost, Shalik goes on un-saved, I can see the beginning glimmers of fuck-it in some of my boys, the “good” kids didn’t learn enough…

I am, so very reluctantly, having to let go of the plan and the goals that I thought were realistic, before the school went to hell, but that will not be accomplished because of reasons out of my control. That is certainly a lot of pride to swallow, but within that, it’s about the kids. If they don’t learn as much math as I had planned or grow in reading as much as they should or revolutionize their attitudes towards life, school, and authority like they need to, they won’t be prepared for next year, much less for life.

I know it won’t be that I’ve failed them necessarily, because I also know that I’ve done well—I just doubtfully wonder whether I’ve in any way set their lives on a different path. And then I wonder if that was ever even possible for me to do, at this time in my life. The disconnect between what our kids learn in school and what they immediately need to survive in real life is so wide and deep that only hindsight and experience could make it smaller—and those were obviously not things I had these two years. A wide-angle perspective could see how to get students closer to a different world in which academic skills are necessary for survival.

My coworker said it very well in his blog about corresponding events, and I suppose it is the following portion that made me want to write the above—

My students are little warriors. The battle that they wage on a daily basis is more than I feel I’ve had to take on in my entire life. But they somehow find the strength to not only press forward, but thrive. At times I take in the gravity of the entire scope of situations that I’ve encountered during my time here at school, and I start to feel that trying to teach them power number properties seems somewhat trivial.

And I take a step back, and look at the bigger picture of what I’m trying to accomplish. Sure, in the short run, power number properties won’t amount to a lot. But it’s the attitude of a scholar - not only am I trying to help them accumulate knowledge, but I’m pushing them to take command of their education. By so doing, I can only pray that it will afford them the tools to elevate their futures to a higher plane that isn’t so needlessly afflicted with the pain, grieving and heartache as the world that they currently live in. Education for these guys amounts to so much more than what I have them write down on paper, but it’s about teaching them that there’s more to life than the street label. It’s how to be civil, to be proper, to be good citizens, to be courteous, to engender empathy for others, to show respect for people, property, and themselves. It’s letting them know that there are people out there who care for them regardless of anything else that’s happening in their lives, in whom they can hopefully trust and depend on to see the best in them and push them to new heights.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just blowing smoke to make myself feel like I’m making a difference for these kids… but I do know one thing. I love my students.

Oh well. I plan to take a Hospice approach to the rest of the year and make it so the students leave comfortably—with good last impressions on their resilient little selves of our school and teachers, in general, and memories and records of our class, of what we have learned, and of me, in particular. I need to enjoy the next thirty-four days and absolutely immerse myself in the ten volatile, absurd, hilarious, confounding personalities that I have come to love, because I will never get to again.

Here we go!

Jesus Is a Liberal Democrat - The Colbert Report - 12/16/10 - Video Clip | Comedy Central

No matter what you think, he makes his point well.

London Day 1

Today, I slept in, shopped on Oxford Street, ate a lamb wrap and mango juice, and watched Glee online while I did my nails.

As of when I left, my rooming situation afforded me to be around people non-stop. It’s a very active place, and, well…I lived on the couch. :) If I wasn’t in the middle of everything there, I was sure to be out with someone else. I did a good job of getting out.

I used to say that I liked being alone, but I think being alone was just easy, and being not-alone was too hard, so I had to be comfortable with it.

Today was different for two reasons. First, it didn’t strike me that I hadn’t been alone in almost a month, until I was drinking that mango juice. It was really good, and I accidentally thought about how everyone should be jealous of me—and not just for the juice. In general, I realized I was truly having a good time with myself. But it wasn’t any better of a time than I’ve had in the last month. I mistakenly told Mary that I needed to be alone these three days, but I don’t think I need to be, I’m just glad that I am. I will be glad when I’m not. I miss my SF friends, and I’m excited to see everyone I’ll get to see this summer.

Basically, it’s whatever, truly for the first time. And as far as I and my quest to figure my head out are concerned, that is a good place to be.